3.8 Narrating yourself

In the following dialogue, you get to see Nate putting pressure on Berit to co-sponsor his conference. And he doesn’t accept her first no, or her second one. He’s like a bull dog, he’s not letting go.

What typically happens in a situation like this? The person being pressured might make a quick excuse and get out of there…

Cut and run.

Or maybe she’d get triggered and respond with anger: How dare you pressure me! I deserve to be treated with respect! Which is…

An attack.

But Berit is different because she’s done her self-development work. She’s got a solid moral core. She knows where she stands. She knows what she needs. And what her team needs. She’s got the ability to handle the discomfort of conflict.

Instead of being self-protective, Berit can be…

Self-revelatory.

She can lay all her cards on the table…

Because her cards are so strong.

Because she’s able to trust herself, because she knows she can count on her inner strengths, she gets to keep her heart open to Nate, so instead of running or attacking…

She engages him.

Let’s listen in…

Nate:  Hey, Berit, we’re going to do our first big national conference this fall in October, and it’s going to be something radically different. Forget the talking-heads syndrome.

Every breakout session is going be a three-hour, rock-and-roll workout and will be run by a skilled facilitator who’s also a seasoned organizer so there will be an actionable game plan produced by the end. We’re calling this a “strategic action convocation.”

Berit:  I like the sound of that. I think that’s just what our field needs. I think all our conferences ought to be action oriented.

Nate:  Great! So next Wednesday is our first planning meeting. And as our co-sponsor I want you to help me plan the agenda and make a master time line for producing the convocation.

Berit:  Whoops.

Nate;  What do you mean whoops? Is Wednesday a bad day for you?

Berit:  No. It’s the part about being your co-sponsor.

Nate:  Well, listen, we really need you on this. You guys have more expertise than we do in running national conferences. I see you as key to the success of this endeavor.

Berit:  The truth is that I really like your idea and on a personal level I’d really enjoy working with you on this, but I’m going to tell you no. We aren’t going to co-sponsor the conference.

We’ll be glad to endorse it. We’ll show up for it. I’ve got three staff who are just the kind of facilitator-organizers you’re talking about, but co-sponsorship is out of the question.

Nate:  But if you support it, why won’t you be our partner?

Berit:  Because we don’t have the bandwith. Last year we had a breakthrough. We found a new way to get through to the gangs we work with. We’ve facilitated truces and the truces are holding strong.

Violence is way down. There have been no deaths for the past six months. And last month we got one small gang to reorganize to serve the community and become politically active. Amazing.

You can imagine how hard this work is and how tricky and what kind of constant and intense attention it takes. I can tell you, I’m so proud of my staff and I’m not going to ask one more thing of them than what they’re already doing.

Nate:  But…

Berit:  Wait a minute, Nate. Do you want us to mess with this kind of success?

Nate:  No, of course not. But this conference is aligned with your mission. That’s so obvious to me.

Berit:  It is aligned, and I appreciate how you keep pushing me, because what I’m hearing is how important this conference is to you. But I’m so very clear that my answer is absolutely no.

Nate:  You sound almost happy to tell me no.

Berit:  Not almost happy, I’m totally happy. There were years when I couldn’t say no and I got my team into all kinds of distracting projects I should never have gotten them into. It feels so good to me now to be able to say no so easily and to know that I’m taking care of my team. That feels really, really good.

It’s not that I want to disappoint you. I do support your plan. I wish we had the time to join you as co-sponsor. But we don’t.

Nate:  There’s nothing more I can say to convince you?

Berit:  There’s really not. And here’s something else. I’m telling you no because you matter to me. Our relationship matters to me and I want to protect it.

Nate:  How does that make sense? Tell me yes and make me happy. I think that would be good for our relationship.

Berit:  Not in the long-term, because if I said yes to you but I didn’t really want to say it and couldn’t really afford to say it, what would happen?

Nate:  What?

Berit:  Down the road I’d start to resent you and resent the project, a little bit at first, but then the resentment would grow and it would wreck our relationship. Have you ever said a yes that you regretted and then you started resenting the person you said it to?

Nate:  Well, yes.

Berit:  I’m defending our relationship from me making a crap decision. And I respect you too much to lie to you and say yes when I know I need to say no. Would it be okay for me to lie to you?

Nate:  Not really. Not when I stop and think about it.

Berit:  Let me ask you this. What’s it like to hear me tell you no, and to know it’s final?

Nate:  I don’t like it. Despite all the good reasons you have for saying it.

Berit:  Because?

Nate:  Because it puts me in a quandry.

Berit:  Which is?

Nate:  I don’t know how we’re going to pull off this conference. It’s more ambitious than anything we’ve done before.

Berit:  How much does it matter to you on a scale of 1-10?

Nate:  It’s a 10-plus. Nothing matters more this year. It could put us on the national map in our field.

Berit:  I agree. I think it could do that. And I think you deserve to be in a much stronger leadership position nationally. You’ve got so many good program ideas.

Nate:  So why won’t you help?

Berit:  Let’s not go back down that street because it’s a dead end. Let me ask you instead what’s the real reason you need help? What would it take for your organization to pull this off on your own?

Nate:  Oh, well, we’re doing too many things.

Berit:  I know what that’s like.

Nate:  Truth is I’m not like you. I don’t say no. It’s embarrassing to have to admit that.

Berit:  I get it. But what if you did say no to all the things you need to say no to?

Nate:  That’s a hell of a question. When you put it like that, it’s suddenly clear to me that this conference is not beyond us if we could dedicate ourselves to it.

Berit:  So what would that take?

Nate:  Some serious noes.

Berit:  What’s an example of one no you’d like to say?

Nate:  Oh, Jonathan comes to mind first.

Berit:  Oh, yeh, he’s really hard to say no to. He’s so good at talking people into stuff.

Nate:  Is he ever!

Berit:  So what would you tell him if you could tell him exactly what you need to tell him?

Nate:  I’d call him up and say, let’s see, I’d say….

“We’ve got an opportunity that we can’t pass up. It’s the key to our future, so it’s something we’re going to pursue full steam ahead.

“But that means I’m going to have to cancel a commitment I made to you. I know I agreed to loan you two of my staff through June, but I’m going to be pulling them back into our organization at the end of this week.”

Berit:  How strongly do you feel about this?

Nate:  Very strongly. I wish I had never made that agreement. It’s never been good for us. And I half knew it at the time that I was doing the wrong thing.

Berit:  So what happens if Jonathan protests?

Nate:  Oh he’ll protest. So then I’ll say…what? How do I get him to understand? How do I get him to agree?

Berit:  What if that’s not your goal?

Nate:  Oh, I see. Like if my goal is just to tell him no.

Berit:  Yes, you’re telling him no. You tell him why you need to say no, and you say it, and you let him know it’s final, and then…

Nate:  I get to see what he does.

Berit:  Exactly! You get to see what he’s made of. Can he get it that you need to tell him no for the sake of your mission? Does he get it that you’re not being capricious? Does he understand? Or does he try to finesse you or bully you?

Nate:  Right. So I don’t need to try to appease him or control him in any way. I’m just giving him the news. And then he gets to be Jonathan.

Berit:  That’s it. There are times when you’re willing to talk an issue through and times when your decision…

Nate:  Is set. Like you with your decision. And definitely my decision is set.

Berit:  So then do you need his permission to tell him no?

Nate:  No, I don’t.

Berit:  Again, how clear are you about needing to do this conference?

Nate:  Absolutely clear. So that’s the place I can stand if he pushes back on me. I can say no, period. And take my stand right there on that period.

Berit:  And if he keeps pushing what would be something you might say to him that would be over the edge for you?

Nate:  Okay, here’s a surprise. What I really want to do is be transparent with him, not defensive. I’d like to say…

“Jonathan, I know you can talk anyone into anything. You talked me into this agreement against my better judgment. And that’s my fault for letting you do that.

“And it’s really hard for me to tell you no now. But notice that I’m doing it. And notice that my no is final. Which is a sign of just how strongly I feel about this.

“And this is just the beginning. I’m now dedicated to saying no whenever I need to say it and I’m just going to keep getting better and better at it.

“So my request for you is that you support me in telling you no because it’s something I need to do for the sake of my mission. I’d really appreciate that. But no matter, what our agreement is now cancelled. Period.”

Berit:  Wow! How’s that feel?

Nate:  It takes my breath away.

Berit:  Here’s something I find helps me. When I have to say a big no, I go stand inside a bigger yes and say it from there.

Nate:  So your yes to the new success you’re having with your program is way bigger than the no you said to my conference.

Berit:  That’s it, and for you?

Nate:  The yes I want to say to my conference is so much bigger than Jonathan. No disrespect to him. But compared to my conference, he’s a speck.

Berit:  So then about me being the co-sponsor of your conference…

Nate:  You keep your mitts off my conference!

Berit:  Works for me!

Nate:  Berit, thanks for taking the time to talk this through with me.

Berit:  You’re welcome. Saying no has been a very hard lesson for me to learn. I get what a challenge it can be.

Nate:  It might take me some time, but I feel like lightning has struck today, and I know I’m going to get good at it. And sorry for the pass along.

Berit:  Pass along?

Nate:  Because I wasn’t saying no to Jonathan, I pressured you to rescue me.

Berit:  I see.

Nate:  But hey, I’m going to reverse the pass along! I caught a case of saying no from you. Who knows what Jonathan might catch from me?!

Berit:  I look forward to hearing about it. Keep in touch. Let me know how you’re doing.

Nate:  Thanks, I will. And ditto.

 Here’s another example of self-narration. Lizzie is talking with Steven about a problem he’s having with his work and part way into the conversation he gets triggered…

Steven:  I feel like you’re implying that I’m a bad person and that makes me mad.

Lizzie:  I’m really sorry to hear that. I’ve been very careful not to use any words of judgment, because I don’t believe you’re a bad person. Not at all. In fact, I know you’re committed to our mission. It’s so evident, it’s impossible to miss.

What I’m doing with you right now is called the Advocacy Stand. You don’t have to like it or agree with it, but I do want you to know what I’m doing.

I’m doing my best to be on your side because my first hope is that you’ll be able to clear up this one key problem you’ve got with your performance and be a success here and be happy here with us for a very long time.

And then my second hope is that if you choose not to fix the problem, if our work and our team are not a match for you for whatever reason, that you’ll go find a place to work where you’ll be happy.

Because, see, another thing I believe is that you are more important than this work. I really do want you to be happy.

And in that spirit, may I ask you, what do you need right now to be able to have this conversation with me? And how might I help you deal with this problem so it doesn’t hold you back anymore and so you can go soaring with us?

Steven:  Okay, I appreciate that you haven’t done any put downs. Which is what I’m used to. In my family, in my last job. Which I don’t want to talk about.

Lizzie:  Understood.

Steven:  So I’m choosing right now to listen to the part of me who really likes the people here and wants to be a success, and he says, “Have this conversation.”

Lizzie:  And what would help you have it?

Steven:  I do know you’re not judging me. So how about this? If I feel myself getting triggered, I tell you as soon as I notice, and we can stop for a moment and get grounded again in the purpose of this conversation. I might need to be reminded a few times. Is it okay for me to ask for that?

Lizzie:  More than okay. I’d be very happy to make that deal with you.

Steven:  I think I’m learning something important about myself in this conversation. But I’ll tell you about that another time. Right now, can we pick up this conversation where we left off?

Lizzie:  We sure can. And whenever you want to tell me the other stuff I’d be very glad to hear about it.

Here’s one more example, but this time in a championing conversation. Quentin is the ED..

Quentin:  I wanted to ask you if we could have a special kind of conversation.

Jacinda:  What kind?

Quentin:  Well, you’ve been here six months and you keep blowing me away with your willingness to take on bigger responsibilities and how you nail them and how supportive you are of every person on our team. So I’m wondering if you would be willing to talk about your future. I see big things ahead for you.

Jacinda:  You do?

Quentin:  Yes, I really do. Do you see that, too?

Jacinda:  I would like to.

Quentin:  Well, what I’d like to have with you is what I call a Championing Conversation, which sounds like fun and it really is, but I want to give you a caution, too, because it can also be daunting. It might take your breath a way to look at what’s really possible for your future. It might get to feel overwhelming.

Jacinda:  Oh.

Quentin:  And sometimes shoulds sneak in, Like if something is possible for me then I should do it. And that’s not at all what I want to have happen.

Jacinda:  Okay.

Quentin:  Here’s what’s in my heart. I consider myself to be a big fan of yours. I want to be your advocate in this conversation. But I want anything you decide about your future to be entirely your decision. I don’t want to put any pressure of any kind on you. And there’s no rush. I’d consider this just an opening conversation. We can stop anytime you feel you’ve had enough. And then pick again later if you like.

So I’m wondering what you’re thinking now, and what you would need to make this conversation work for you if you want to have it.

Jacinda:  Wow, first of all, just the thought of it does kind of take my breath away. No one has ever offered anything like this to me. So thank you. And thanks for taking the time out of your schedule. I know how busy you are. I don’t want to impose on you.

Quentin:  You’re not imposing. Here’s something to know about me. My very favorite part of this job is helping my staff develop their talents and abilities. So I’m really happy to have this conversation with you if you want it.

Jacinda:  Really?

Quentin:  Yes, really? Do not worry about me. I’m all set. I’m thinking the next step is for you to look into your heart and see what you really and truly want.

Jacinda:  I want this! I want this conversation. I want to play big.

Quentin:  Okay, then let’s start brainstorming possibilities.