4.3 The advocacy stand - Disarming adversaries
If you ask something different of your adversaries, if you invite them into a relationship of mutual advocacy, and even though that’s a loving act, they might take offense and attack you for your efforts…
Not fun, but you haven’t really lost anything.
They were your adversary before and they’re still your adversary.
But if you ask more of a friend, and the ask doesn’t go well, if the person’s not ready for the ask, if they take it wrong, if they take it as a criticism, if they get their back up, if they stop talking to you…
Now you’ve really lost something.
But in the post-hope era, we need to ask more of our friends and colleagues, and they need to ask more of us, so together we can take the best possible care of each other on our way out.
So what’s the key to success? What makes an ask work? Here’s the principle that makes the difference…
The more someone can feel your advocacy for them, the bigger the ask you can give them.
Or we could say it this way…
The more someone feels, really feels that you’re on their side, the deeper the challenge you can give them, and they will embrace it.
On the three pages about “Championing” I’m going to give you examples of activists asking more of colleagues and friends.
But in the meantime on this page to give you a beginning feel for advocacy with close in people, I’m going to take you through three conversations.
And notice in each one, how the asker makes sure that the askee feels supported, even loved all the way through the conversation.
And notice, too, how the advocacy begins to take on a feeling of mutuality. We not talking about conversations where one person helps the other person, but remains unchanged. The relationship deepens and so everyone involved comes out of the conversation enriched.
That means these are not sacrificial-savior conversations. Just the opposite, they are nurturing conversations. The kind of thing that you can do when you are following the Moral-Fight Operating System.
Unilateral advocacy turns mutual
Patrice decides to have an advocacy conversation with Charlie. Let’s listen in.
Patrice: I’ve been talking with a group of poets this morning.
Charlie: What?!
Patrice: Your colleagues.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Patrice: I’m going to tell you what they said, but then I’m going to stick with you as you figure out what you want to do about it. And that’s why I’ve set aside a full hour today instead of our usual half-hour.
Charlie: I’m starting to freak out. So tell me what’s going on.
Patrice: Yesterday, Suzanna said you’re like “a lonely lemon.” Jonathan said you’re “a scared little kid with his fists balled up.” Betty said you’re “a prickly pear who never gets hugs.”
Charlie: So they were dissing me.
Patrice: No, they were advocating for you.
Charlie: What? How?
Patrice: They were frustrated with you, that for sure, but even more they’re worried you’re going to blow your chance to succeed here.
Charlie: Worried?
Patrice: Yes. How much does your job mean to you?
Charlie: It means the world to me. I’m finally getting to do the kind of work I’ve wanted to do for the past two years since I got out of high school. I love teaching people how to take care of themselves instead of being dependent on the health care system. This has been my dream since I got out of college.
When I was growing up, I saw people die because they could not afford healthcare, but at the same time they didn’t take care of themselves in ways they could have.
I love what I do, and I know I’m good at it. So to hell with those three.
Patrice: You’ve very good. We’ve never had anybody in your position better than you. I love having you here. I’m so happy I get to supervise you. It’s a privilege.
Charlie: So tell those snipers that I’m doing fine and to leave me alone. If they want me gone, too bad, I’m not going anywhere.
Patrice: They know you’re doing A-plus work. They don’t want you gone. They just want you to let them in.
Charlie: Let them in?! What am I supposed to say to that?
Patrice: What do you want to say to that?
Charlie: I’m feeling flummoxed right now. This is a lot to take in.
Patrice: So take a breath. We can slow this down. Just know that people here want more of you not less of you.
Charlie: Nobody’s ever said something like that to me before.
Patrice: Okay, take your time, let it in a little, and then when you’re ready, we can talk through your response if you like.
Charlie: They want more of me?
Patrice: Yes. That’s why they cornered me yesterday afternoon and gave me a dose of metaphor.
Charlie: So put my heart into my work and they think I’m prickly?
Patrice: Notice something? Are you being prickly right now?
Charlie: I don’t think so.
Patrice: I don’t either. I feel like we’ve got a very good connection right now. You’re engaged in this conversation in a very real way.
Charlie: Maybe because you threw me off balance.
Patrice: Help me understand that.
Charlie: There’s some truth in what Betty said about the prickly cactus.
Patrice: Tell me about that.
Charlie: After my mom died, the foster home I was sent to was not a warm and fuzzy place. You really didn’t want to be vulnerable around those people. So I adopted a bit of a tough guy persona. Like you keep your distance and I’ll keep my distance, and in a couple years I’ll be gone. I know I did that.
Patrice: I’m so sorry it was like that for you.
Charlie: Thanks. I did what I had to do. But I guess I haven’t left it behind as much as I thought I had.
Patrice: So what do you want for yourself now?
Charlie: I’m glad I did what I had to do, but I hate that I had to do that. Do that to myself.
Patrice: I understand. And now?
Charlie: I guess I’d like to take the next step. You really believe those three weren’t dissing me?
Patrice: I’m absolutely sure they weren’t. They were trying to show me what their relationship with you was like. And Suzanna said they were “sad Tiggers.”
Charlie: What does that mean?
Patrice: They want you to come out and play with them.
Charlie: Really? An invitation?
Patrice: Exactly.
Charlie: Well, then, I’m sorry for being prickly. Should I apologize to them.
Patrice: I really don’t think they need that. They certainly weren’t asking for it. How about instead of giving them an apology, you give them you?
Charlie: Easier said than done.
Patrice: For sure.
Charlie: I don’t know where to start.
Patrice: How would it feel to tell them the why behind your prickly strategy. Knowing that why is making me feel closer to you. It makes me even more of an advocate for you than I already was.
Charlie: Really?
Patrice: Really and truly.
Charlie: Okay, I’m going to trust you on this. And if I’m going to break the spell of prickliness, I’m going to do it big.
Patrice: Okay, that sounds like you.
Charlie: At staff meeting tomorrow I’m going to tell everyone what my story is and that I’m going to get serious about turning myself from a prickly pear into a Tigger.
Patrice: Wow!
Charlie: Do you think I can do this?
Patrice: I do.
Charlie: Do you think people will be receptive?
Patrice: If they’re not I’ll have a few things to say about that.
Charlie: So if I get a little wobbly, you’ll stand by me?
Patrice: Absolutely. Hey, how about this? What if I follow you?
Charlie: How do you mean?
Patrice: What if after you’re done, I tell my story and what I’m working on personally?
Charlie: What are you thinking?
Patrice: I think it would strengthen our relationships here if we shared our vulnerabilities, if we could understand each other on a deeper level, the things we’re each struggling with.
Charlie: My turn to say, “Wow!”
Patrice: What do you think, are these the kind of people who can handle vulnerabilities respectfully.
Charlie: Yes they are, I really believe that.
Patrice: So how about if you and I decide that tomorrow morning we’re going to be catalysts, and add a new and beautiful dimension to our staff meetings, something that might be a bit scary at first, but something we’ll come to appreciate very much.
Charlie: I really like thinking of it that way. Instead of dragging myself into the meeting like a schlemiel, you and I are going to go in there as leaders.
Patrice: Exactly.
Charlie: That feels much better.
Patrice: I’m noticing that I’m a little nervous, but I’m looking forward to it.
Charlie: How about this? Just an idea. If you don’t like it we won’t do it. What if you interview me and then I interview you? Keep each other company.
Patrice: Perfect. I love it!
Charlie: Hey, and if you want to practice your story, I’m here now.
Patrice: I don’t need practice, but, yes, I would like to tell it to you now, one-on-one, because we’ve got such a sweet connection.
Charlie: I’m all ears.
A team chooses mutual advocacy
You know the thing about leaders being lonely at the top. That belongs to the SSOS. Moral-fight activism is a very different thing.
Here’s Carmen with her senior staff.
Carmen: In our meeting today, I want to tell you something that has been running through my mind for the past three weeks. I’ve been thinking I should resign as ED.
Dolores: Oh God no!
Tianna: You’re our mentor!
Amelia: We count on you!
Dolores: Why have you even been thinking about leaving? Tell us.
Carmen: I’m feeling disappointed in myself that I can’t do better at the fundraising.
Amelia: But we’re doing really well on our grants.
Carmen: Yes, but I mean with the major donor asks. Both consultants I’ve talked to say there are lots of natural supporters for our work out there and we should be able to raise some serious unrestricted money but I haven’t been able to make it happen. I think I’m too shy.
Tianna: Shy?! You’re not shy.
Amelia: You’re the boldest person I know.
Carmen: Yes, when it comes to the work, to organizing, to public speaking, but asking for money shuts me down.
Dolores: Okay, well, let’s dig into that. There has to be a way to solve the asking thing, because we’re not letting you go, that’s not even a question.
Amelia: Amen to that.
Tianna: Indeed.
Carmen: I don’t know if there is a solution. This has been driving me nuts. I’ve done so many things in my life that have been so much harder than asking for money but this has me beat.
Dolores: Take a deep breath. Take a big step back from the pressure to find a solution right now, and just tell us what it’s like for you when you go out to do an ask. What are you saying to yourself? What are you saying about yourself?
Carmen: That I’m a failure. That I won’t be able to get this. And see, we can’t afford to hire a real development director, which is why I start thinking I should step aside so you can hire an ED with lots of fundraising experience.
Dolores: That’s not an option, so keep going. What’s it like for you out there face to face with a donor?
Carmen: It’s like there’s this underground river of noes running through me. I’m trying to think of what to say next and my body is just going no, no, no, no, no.
Dolores: Do the noes attach to anything?
Carmen: Just to the asking. The small-talk warm-up I do fine with.
Dolores: So if asking were a person, how would you describe your relationship?
Carmen: Hmmm, interesting. It’s a nobody. It shouldn’t exist. Asking is not someone I’m supposed to hang out with. Ever.
Dolores: Because?
Carmen: Because I’m supposed to give. And give and give. And serve. Take care of people. It’s very unfeminine to ask for something for myself.
Tianna: You are the best giver I know.
Amelia: Me, too. But suddenly that makes me sad.
Dolores: What’s it like being as bold as you are when you’re out in the community?
Carmen: I’ve thought about that. It looks like a contradiction but it’s really not. It’s okay for me to be bold when I’m being bold on behalf of the people I’m looking after.
Amelia: Oh, I get that. But isn’t asking the same thing, being bold on behalf of the mission?
Carmen: Not in my mind. This nonprofit is my baby. I identify so much with this place that when I ask for money to keep it going it feels like I’m asking for myself.
Amelia: Oh, I get that.
Carmen: Yeh, that makes sense. Maybe you need to learn to detach from the organization.
Dolores: Wait a minute, let’s forget about attached or not attached, If I could give you one gift right now it would be the ability to ask for yourself, for what you need, you personally, no matter what that is, whether or not it involves this organization.
Carmen: Well, I have to admit if you could give that to me, I would agree to take it. I think I’m pretty tired of giving so much all the time.
Dolores: Okay, let’s do this. Let’s get you set up with some discovery interviews. Let’s get you to go out and talk with some donors without any pressure to get a check so you can relax and find your own way of asking and create a new relationship between you and asking. What do you think?
Carmen: I guess I could try that. But what if it doesn’t work?
Tianna: Wait a minute. What if I go with you? Would it feel better to have company, someone to prep with and then debrief with, not feel alone with this?
Carmen: Oh, God, yes, that’s exactly what I need.
Tianna: Then consider it done. Besides I’d like to get good at asking. I think I have my own version of the same block that you’ve got. That service thing. Only it’s not just about being a woman. No one in my family asks for anything. It’s a core feeling of being unentitled.
Carmen: That feels even better to think that we’d be working on this issue together.
Amelia: Well, count me in, too. I’m good at asking for donations from ordinary, down-to-earth people, but I feel intimidated by people with big money. I’d really like to get over that. So can I go out with you sometimes?
Carmen: Cool.
Dolores: Well, let’s make this a full house. Asking for money is not something I’ve ever thought much about. It would be good for me to test myself. I’d like to find out if I can do it. And if I can’t then I want to learn.
Carmen: So instead of me resigning, you’re all signing up to take a big step forward with me.
Dolores: That’s right. Let’s make that formal. Here’s a proposal. What if we redefine the major donor asking? What if we say that from now on the asking work belongs to the whole senior team, that we’re going to take it on together? We’ll always go out asking in pairs and that we’ll do what it takes to get good at it.
Tianna: I like it. And, Carmen, if you need to free up some time to do more experimenting with asking, I’m willing to take on some of your administrative duties.
Amelia: Me, too.
Dolores: Me, too. I can do the next grant report. I want to learn how to do those anyway.
Carmen: Okay, this is a plan. Now I feel hopeful and when I feel hopeful…
Dolores: Look out!
Advocating for ourselves
So we’ve just seen two examples of people negotiating their way into robust advocacy relationships.
But let’s not forget about negotiating a vigorous advocacy relationship with ourselves. What follows is Amy doing just that.
We’re human, so we’re going to screw up sometimes. And then what do we do? Apologize of course to anyone we’ve disappointed or hurt or offended.
But there are apologies and apologies.
Amy: I screwed up this morning.
Rich: What happened?
Amy: Remember Braxton who I’ve talked about several times? He’s a top leader in my field. He’s written the books he gives the keynotes, he’s a regular on Democracy Now!. And was on The Today Show a month ago. He’s an academic, but political and down to earth. I was finally able to arrange a call with him for this morning.
Rich: Congrats!
Amy: Yeh, congrats, except that I said three big stupid things. Like I was a green rookie instead of an experienced leader. I can’t imagine what he thinks of me now, but it can’t be good. We were only halfway through our time when he just seemed to fade away.
I’m so embarrassed but I can’t let it go. He’s too important to me. I need to do something about this. Should I e-mail him and throw myself on his mercy?
Rich: Is that the kind of relationship you want with him? Or anyone?
Amy: No way. But I feel like I have to apologize. Put myself down and see if he picks me up.
Rich: Want to try playing with a different kind of possibility? Something that might be more fun?
Amy: God, yes!
Rich: Okay, first think about your best moments with the advocacy stand—with your staff, with your funders, at home….
Amy: Okay, I’m seeing snapshots of different conversations, I’m hearing my voice when I was at my best.
Rich: Let yourself sink into those times and catch that mood again.
Amy: Here’s me taking a big breath. Going after that mood. Ugh, not so easy. Okay, I’m getting there.
Rich: And now I’m Braxton and in this moment my heart is open, wide open and welcoming. So just tell me the truth. About what happened and what you want.
Amy: Braxton, I want to apologize to you for our call this morning and explain what went wrong. I was up half the night with my daughter who’s sick with a cold. So I was not at my best, but that wasn’t really the problem. The problem is that I’m a little starstruck by you and was feeling a bit intimidated. Which is on me, not on you.
I was so off balance that I said those three big dumb things about the politics of our field. I want you to know that I know better than that, and I’m sorry you had to listen to those inanities.
And I want you to know this is not how I usually am. I’m known for being bright and quick and thoughtful. A good strategist. A with-it kind of gal.
I so wish I had been on my game this morning and talked with you like I talk with other VIPs.
And what worries me most is that I think you would like our work. A lot. I’ve even been thinking you might want us to keep in touch, sending you data on our successes since this is your field of expertise. It seems right that you should know about our progress and any breakthroughs. Be one of the first to hear our news. Maybe even find research opportunities here.
I think it’s possible that we might have a good connection and I don’t want you to miss out on it just because I blew it this morning.
So what I’d like to ask for is another chance to talk with you. And I promise you I will make sure to be at the top of my game. Feel free to tell me no if that doesn’t work for you. But I wanted you to know that I’d really like to try again.
And whatever your decision, please know that everyone here is a fan and we’re all wishing you the best.
Signed, Amy
Rich: Okay, take a breath, and what do you notice about your apology?
Amy: It’s different than anything I’ve ever done before. I’m so careful I don’t have to do apologies very often, thank God.
Rich: What’s different about this? Say you’re an objective observer and you just overheard this, what would you think about the apologizer?
Amy: Good things. She’s no wimp. She’s taking a stand for herself right in the middle of the apology. How cool is that?
Rich: What else is she taking a stand for?
Amy: Oh, the relationship. She’s being bigger than the snafu. She blew the conversation this morning, but this afternoon she’s stepped into leading the conversation. Instead of giving up on the relationship and retreating into oblivion, she’s fighting to give the relationship a chance.
Rich: And?
Amy: I see her advocating for herself. A very cheeky thing to do, but I like it. She gave herself a rave review. She slipped it in there quietly without fanfare. But she did not hesitate to speak up for herself. She didn’t let her screw-up take away anything from her self-esteem.
Rich: In fact, could we say this apology gave her a chance to…
Amy: Show herself off! Yes. Where most people wreck themselves with an apology, she’s showing herself to be a force to reckon with.
Rich: And what do you think Braxton would be thinking about her as he read this?
Amy: Unless he’s an idiot, he’s got to be impressed and intrigued and thinking maybe he got off the call too fast because it looks like there’s a lot more to this woman than he saw this morning. And he’s not an idiot.
Rich: So how much do you need to revise this e-mail before you send it?
Amy: Hmmm, you know, this gives me a shiver, but I want to send it as is. Were you taking notes?
Rich: Yes, indeed, word for word.
Amy: Thank you for that.
Rich: One more question. What were the screw ups in the blown call this morning trying to tell you?
Amy: Oh, hell, I want to be done talking about this, except that’s a good question. What if my screw ups were a red flag. Like a warning trying to get my attention.
Rich: If so, what was the warning saying to you?
Amy: Sabotage is the word that came to me. I was so nervous and off balance, that it’s like once I stopped being myself I just went crazy and destroyed the conversation.
Rich: So…
Amy: I see that I was starstruck by Braxton and reverted back to my old habit of trying too hard to impress somebody, which always pushes people away instead of drawing them in closer.
That warning part of me was desperate to get me to pay attention and play the kind of game I play when I’m at my best which nowadays is thankfully most of the time. That warning part was actually taking a stand and advocating for me by refusing to let me succeed at not being myself. Getting away with it. Does that make sense?
Rich: It does to me. I know what that’s like. It’s like if I’m making a mess, sometimes I make a total mess. Like some part of me would rather blow the whole thing up than go along with a pretense.
Amy: That feels really right for me, too, right now. You know what? Even if Braxton says no to another conversation for right now, I’m deciding in this moment to start a Braxton Campaign. I’m going to win him over. I know I can do this. There’s no way he’s going to get away from me. What do you think?
Rich: I believe you! That poor guy doesn’t have a chance.
So to sum up, what did Amy do?
She took the self-attack out of her apology and put self-advocacy in.
