4.8 See, receive, enjoy
What does a top performer need? What lights her up? What makes her feel deeply appreciated? I think it’s when…
We see her, receive her, and enjoy her.
Or him, of course.
Let’s take these three in turn.
You see her.
It’s one thing to see the results she got, but a top performer wants you…
To see her.
She wants you to go behind the scenes with her and see…
What it took to get those results.
Who she had to be.
How she had to stretch.
What challenges she had to push through.
What fears she had to conquer.
Top performers need to be witnessed. This is so much more important to them than “one-minute praisings.”
Check out this quick hit of praise…
“Great work today, Vicky! Really great! Just the best! Way to go! See you tomorrow.”
Not that this is a bad thing, not at all. But compare it to this deeper, richer conversation…
Marla: Hey, Vicky, I just heard from Jamie that you got an overwhelming yes vote for our proposal at the coalition meeting. Congratulations!
And thank you. You’ve done something really important today for our community. I really appreciate all the work you’ve put into this.
Vicky: It was quite an afternoon.
Marla: That’s something I’d like to hear about. Do you have time?
Vicky: Yes, I do. I need to unwind.
Marla. I’m wondering what it was like for you personally to go through that meeting. Start right at the beginning, okay? I want to hear all of it. Especially if you had to deal with the Terrible Two.
Vicky: Oh, yes, I did. The minute I walked in the door, Erick and Derrick glaring at me from across the room. I felt like my face was burning. I went over to the coffee counter to try to regain my composure.
Erick came up to me looking right at me and bumped into me. One of his classic intimidation moves. My coffee spilled, so I had to go get a rag to clean it up which jangled me even more.
So I was shaking inside when it came time for me to present our proposal.
Marla: I’m so sorry you had to go through that. What did you do?
Vicky: Well, this is where it gets interesting. I found myself fingering my locket. I have a picture of my mom in there. She was a woman who knew how to take a stand. She’s been gone for ten years, but she’s still my inspiration. Even more so as time passes.
I took a deep breath and imagined her sitting right there in the circle smiling at me. My confidence rallied and I sounded pretty good. I made sure to slow down and not rush.
The whole time I could feel that double wave of intimidation coming from the Two but it seemed to stop one inch out from where I was standing.
When I finished and sat down, Derrick, ignoring the facilitator, started dressing me down about how dumb our ideas were and how stupid I was. Then Erick jumped in where Derrick left off.
There was frightened silence in the room. I didn’t know if anyone was going to be brave enough to speak after that.
So I stood up again, and now people could hear my voice going a little wobbly, but I was mad, and I thought, I’m not going to let a couple bullies kill our work. I’m not going to let their out-of-control egos wreck something I believe in so much.
I said, “There’s so much at stake here. I urge everyone to look into their hearts and say what they need to say. Please tell us what’s true for you about this proposal. I really want to hear from everyone.”
One hand went up and that was Robbie, God bless him. Then two more, and then a bunch, and from there the discussion took off. It was a groundswell of support. The Terrible Two kept whispering and smirking and rolling their eyes. But every single person spoke. I was so proud of them.
I have to admit, I cried most of the way back to the office, but, you know what, Marla, I just realized that I’m never going to look at Erick and Derrick the same way again. When I stood my ground, they couldn’t stop me. They had nothing. Suddenly their behavior looked pitiful instead of intimidating.
And here’s something I’ve just decided. From now on I’m going to organize support before each meeting. I’m going to take the time to make a bunch of calls to remind people of how we took a stand together, and to pump up their courage, and to pump up my own. I think this coalition is ready to take a big step forward.
Marla: I’m so happy for you!
Vicky: Thanks. And thanks for all the support you’ve given me ever since I started working here.
Marla: You’re so welcome. And what a journey you took in just one afternoon.
Vicky: Yes, I think today was a really important turning point for me.
Marla: I can see that. And I loved hearing you talk about your mom. How about if we have lunch tomorrow and you tell me more about her?
Vicky: I’d really like that.
Marla: I can’t wait to see what’s next for you. And please continue to call on me for whatever you need.
Vicky: I will.
Marla: I feel so thankful to know you.
Vicky: Wow. That means a lot to me.
You receive her
Think about what is like to have someone listen to you so deeply and well that you keep reaching deeper and telling more and maybe even surprising yourself with what you hear yourself saying. Think how delicious that is.
That’s what I mean by receiving someone.
You see her and what you see…
Makes you want more.
Makes you want to step in closer.
Makes you say, “Yes!”
In the conversation with Vicky, you might have noticed how Marla was mostly silent once Vicky started telling her story. I wrote it that way because I wanted to illustrate that receiving someone does not necessarily mean that you’re asking questions and interjecting your responses. Sometimes you do that to encourage the person and keep the conversation going.
And sometimes they are in the flow and you just listen.
The core part of receiving someone is…
A receptive presence.
And you can communicate that with attentive silence as well as with prompting questions. As I wrote out the conversation I was imagining that Vicky could feel Marla with her every step of the way.
Now let’s also take into account the fact that sometimes a person sees us and doesn’t receive us. That’s the risk we take in being seen for who we are.
I remember going to lunch with a coaching colleague some years ago. She did corporate coaching and all during lunch I asked her questions about her work and she happily talked away about her strategies and techniques and favorite kinds of engagements, and it was fascinating.
Then dessert came and she asked me about my work. I started to tell her about my post-hope coaching, and her eyes got wide, and she pulled back in her chair, and she steered the conversation quickly to a close and got out of there as fast as she could leaving her cheesecake half finished, which was a shame because it was yummy.
She saw me, she really saw me, no doubt about that. But she couldn’t handle the fact that I’m a post-hope person. Having seen me, she was done with me. I was both disappointed and very much okay with it because she made a real decision, the one that was right for her.
And the point of being seen is not that everyone is going to like us, but that we find the people who are kindred spirits. And it’s especially important for top performers that they work in a place where they have a supervisor and colleagues who see them and receive them.
You enjoy her
We could stop with receiving, but let’s not, because there’s one more happy touch we can add.
Enjoyment is different from evaluation, even a positive evaluation, like praise, because that’s still a judgment.
If someone says, “You’re great!” I sure like that a lot better than if someone tells me I’m an idiot. But it’s still a judgment.
When you evaluate…
You’re stepping back and away.
When you enjoy…
You’re stepping deeper in.
Enjoying someone means that…
You see the light in her and you want to hang out in the glow.
Apart from all her accomplishments, you just simply appreciate her. You like soaking her in.
And think about Marla in her conversation with Vicky. She wasn’t working hard. She wasn’t working at all. She got to witness Vicky. She got to celebrate with her. Talk about fun!
Enjoying someone, taking sincere and spontaneous delight in who they are, is one of the best gifts you can give anyone, whether in a personal relationship or in a working relationship.
Even a little bit of it can have big meaning for people.
I once sent a card of appreciation to a woman for her political leadership in the community. I made it detailed with specific observations. No fluff. And I made it more about her as a person than about her accomplishments.
Twenty years later I ran into her at a conference and she said, “You know, I still have that card you sent me.”
