6.4 Stealth dating for leaders who work too much
Say you’re a nonprofit leader who’s single and you want to be in a relationship but you work long hours.
So when you get home in the evening or on the weekend you’re too tired to go out to events or places where you could meet a possible partner. Now what?
Here’s a clue…
From a nonprofit, you can call up anyone and ask them for a meeting.
Of course they can say no, but you can ask.
If there’s someone you find intriguing, and you know this person is single, you can call them up and say something like…
“I’ve heard really good things about the kind of leader you are. I’m leading a nonprofit, and if you’re willing, I’d really like to meet with you and ask you about how you developed your leadership abilities, what the keys are to your success, and who inspires you.”
Now let’s say you get the meeting. Instead of making small talk, you can dive right in. You get to see what this person is made of.
And if you’re asking about something like leadership or management or supervision or fundraising, that means you can ask a lot of questions that have to do with relationships, like…
How do you bring out the best in your staff?
How do you handle conflict?
How do you make connections with new people?
You get to ask revealing questions like…
What’s most meaningful to you about your work?
How do you balance your personal life with your work life?
How do you fit your friends into your schedule?
What are your thoughts about how you might fit family into your schedule in the future?
What are your ambitions?
What makes your heart sing?
I recommend that at the beginning of the meeting, as a matter of courtesy, you tell the person you’re talking with that it’s okay to say “Pass” to any question they don’t want to answer, and then you’ll move on to the next one.
Now if you don’t like what you hear, when you come to the end of your time you can simply say, “Thanks, it’s been great meeting with you. I appreciate you taking the time. Best wishes and bye.”
If you like what you hear, and you’re feeling the kind of chemistry you want in a relationship, you can say…
“I’m having so much fun talking with you and I’m so impressed with the things you’re saying and the way you think about people and how you treat them, that I’d really like to meet with you again if you’re into it.
“If you’re too busy, feel free to tell me no, but I’m hoping you’ll say yes.”
In my experience, a stealth meeting is way more effective than hanging out at a noisy cafe for the typical thirty minutes politely talking about superficial and secondary things when what you’d really like to do is go deep because you’re serious about finding an intimate partner.
I think it’s a blessing to take the dating pressure out of the picture and just get to know someone as they are in real life, and let them get to know you.
And in this spirit, I recommend that you only ask questions you’re sincerely interested in, and that you speak honestly throughout the conversation.
The only thing you’re not saying is, “I’m checking you out as possible relationship material.”
And I think it’s fair to keep that to yourself, because you don’t actually know what might come of this conversation. And chances are this person is not going to turn into your life partner. So why put dating pressure on the conversation?
You can think of it like this. You’re doing real work in this conversation…
First, I bet you’ll learn something or several somethings that will help you do your work better. And maybe significantly better.
Second, the other person may learn something important from you.
Third, maybe the two of you will decide to become thought partners and trade ideas and support on an ongoing basis.
At the very least you’ll be opening up possibilities which will give you hope.
And if you luck into a long–term relationship, you can count that as a sweet bonus.
(Note: I wrote this originally for nonprofit leaders but it can work well for all kinds of activists.)
