6.6 Your Personal Leadership Network
It’s hard enough for activists to ask for money for their work. But it’s really hard to ask for mentoring and support…
Personally.
Okay, that’s not true for everyone. I’ve known nonprofit leaders and activists over the years who are very much at ease asking people for what they need.
But they are the minority. For most of us, the personal ask is hard. Why? Because…
We’re obsessed with serving.
We’re compulsive givers.
We feel driving urgency to make things better in this world, and maybe to save our species. Which means there’s no time to think about anything personal.
So receiving feels selfish and wrong.
And then…
There’s this theme in the nonprofit culture that activists and leaders should be “selfless.” Which might sound noble until you stop and think about it. Because selfless means no self. It means you’re a nobody. It means you have no needs. None.
And that’s such a lie. Because we do have needs. If we’re doing the seriously hard work of deep activism, then we have seriously deep needs to take care of. Like a need for personal mentoring and support.
And besides do you want to be part of a movement led and run by a bunch of nobodies?
On page 6.1, I explained how to use the Advocacy Ask in fundraising.
On this page I’m going to show you how to apply advocacy asking to setting up mentoring and support relationships. If you haven’t read 6.1, I’d recommend you do it now, then come back here. I’m not going to repeat in depth the parts of the Advocacy Ask.
On this page, I’m going to focus first on…
What can make a personal ask doable for people who are shy about doing it.
Then, second I’ll show you…
Dialogues I’ve written to play my way into personal asking.
These I’ve done in the same spirit as the dialogues on page 6.2.
And third, along the way I’ll be weaving in some of my favorite strategies with the dialogues.
Making the ask doable
Let me start with Nell’s story…
That thing about lonely at the top? That’s me. I can’t really talk to my staff about the behind-the-scenes stuff of leadership because I want to keep them inspired and trucking. I can’t really talk to my Board because I need to keep them pumped up and asking for money. And I don’t have anyone else to confide in or any time to confide if I did have someone.
How did we get it so backwards?
Whenever I talk with a leader who feels isolated, I ask them what they were hoping for when they first stepped into leadership and I usually hear something like this…
“I wanted to work with people. I wanted to have a team that I could inspire and challenge. A team that would inspire and challenge me back.
“I love the exhilaration that happens when you’re doing something really important and doing it together.”
It’s so wrong that so many of our leaders to end up feeling alone because that’s the exact opposite of they want.
And that contradiction can become frustrating…
“I’m surrounded all day long by a sea of people asking for things, demanding things. How can I possibly feel lonely?”
Maybe that’s the worst kind of loneliness. Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.
And if lots of leaders feel like this, then it’s not an individual problem but a problem of our nonprofit culture.
This page is about gathering people around you…
Who get you, and
Want to mentor you, and
Want to champion you.
They really, really want to champion you and be there for you. That makes them happy. It gives them personal fulfillment.
Are there people like that? People who want to support individual activists and leaders personally. Yes there are. Me for example…
Marina is an ED I admired from the first time I met her. She took over an organization that was at death’s door—people in the community were writing the obituary. She not only bought it back to life, it’s now very effective and very well loved.
Here’s the thing, though. I didn’t really care about the issue her nonprofit works on. It’s a perfectly good issue and I’m glad somebody’s working on it. It’s just that it’s not a top priority for me.
But I happily joined Marina’s support network. I was there for her, not for the issue.
And there’s more. Marina didn’t ask me for support. I asked her if I could be part of her PLN. It was something I wanted to do. It met my need to make a difference and to connect with someone I cared about. There wasn’t one drop of sacrifice involved.
And I’m now a thought partner for someone who does rural organizing who I believe in. We have rock-and-roll conversations. I get as much from this relationship as she does, even though I’m supposedly the mentor. So I’m not making a sacrificial contribution. This relationship is one of mutual benefit.
So please believe there are people out there who like giving mentoring and support…
You for example.
In the workshops I used to do on asking, I liked to begin by inviting stories…
“Tell about a time when someone asked you for something that really mattered and you gave it to them—and you loved giving it.”
Take a moment, if you like, and try this yourself right now. Think about two, three, four, or more times in your own life when giving to someone was a sincere pleasure for you. And it deepened your connection with them.
I’m remembering a story I heard a year ago…
Susi, who lived in San Jose, said her sister, Shari, back home in Memphis, had just graduated from high school and was getting ready to go to college two states away. Their parents were on a long business trip to Europe, so Shari planned to pack her stuff and take the train on her own.
A week before it was time to leave, Shari called in tears and asked Susi, “Can you come take me to college?”
Not an easy ask. Susi would have to get emergency time off from work, find a flight at the last minute, and fly half way across the country. Her answer? “Yes!”
I asked Susi, “What if Shari hadn’t called you and you found out six months later that she had wanted to.”
She said, “It would have broken my heart.”
Stories like these from our own lives, show us that the key to approaching someone for support, is…
Asking into their desire to contribute.
That’s the key to advocacy asking…
You match their desire to contribute to your need to receive.
A marketing consultant might tell me to call this the “Secret to Successful Asking” like a self-help book might.
But it’s not a secret. Support is a down-to-earth, basic, necessary human thing, not a mystery. Which makes me all that much more sad that so many leaders do without the support they deserve.
I want to be clear, though, even if you master everything on this page, that does not mean asking will always be easy. I find that if I’m asking for something that really matters to me from someone I really care about, I’ll still feel vulnerable.
But that vulnerability just makes the ask more real. And I like that I don’t have to play it cool as if this ask is something casual, when in fact it’s not.
When you do a series of successful asks for support, what do you end up with? I call it your…
Personal Leadership Network.
I understand that’s a vanilla name and its acronym, PLN, is nothing spiffy. But I like that name because it says explicitly what the thing is…
It’s personal.
It’s for you, not for your organization. Of course your organization will benefit, but it’s not the primary focus.
And because it’s for you, if you move to a new job, you don’t leave your PLN behind, it comes with you.
It’s about your leadership.
It doesn’t matter whether you have a positional title that designates you as a leader. If you’re an activist at any level you are helping to move your community and country forward, and that’s leadership.
It’s a network.
By which I only mean, it takes whatever form you need it to take. You get to design it and grow it and evolve it.
You don’t have to stick with the name “Personal Leadership Network.” You can pick whatever name you like.
Some people call it their “success team” or their “personal think tank.”
Franklin Delano Roosevelt had his “kitchen cabinet.”
Andrew Carnegie and Napoleon Hill used the term “mastermind group.”
Some people use their personal name, like: “Jennifer’s Team” or “Team Judy.”
What about “Personal Board of Directors”?
I don’t recommend it. Because your personal network is not your boss, they don’t ever give you directives. They serve at your pleasure. You can fire any of them anytime you want to. But if Board of Directors works for you, then by all means go for it.
One leader, when I told her about the idea of a PLN, said, “Oh, do you mean like an advisory committee?” And no, I don’t mean that at all.
Especially if we’re talking about the conventional advisory committee where you have to bring them coffee and donuts and where they pop off with quick opinions about big new things you should be doing, and then next month when they come back they expect you to have done all those things, even though there’s no money for them.
I’m not talking about people who you have to keep happy. I’m talking about…
People who make you happy.
And you get to structure your PLN anyway you like. All that matters is that is works for you.
It might be that all you need is one confidant to talk to each week.
Or you might want something much more extensive like Caroline…
It wasn’t always like this, but now I’m getting what I need, and here’s what my personal team gives me:
2 thought partners who brainstorm my plans with me every month.
3 mentors, one for fundraising, one for communications, and one to help me do even better networking.
5 fans who keep sending more contacts to pursue for money.
1 coach who helps me through the hard parts.
1 cheerleader who gets me back on my feet whenever I’m feeling down.
So I am definitely not lonely at the top.
Now you might think working with all these people would take up a lot of time. Like how do I fit them all in. But they save me time.
I’m at least twice as effective as I used to be. Some days three or four times. So talk about saving time!
There are leaders who form their own mastermind group. Like, five of them meet for a two-hour lunch once a month and give each other support. And they’re on the phone constantly for advice and thought partnership.
There are leaders who have a team that they get together for meetings. And there are leaders who keep the members of their network separate from each other, and work with them only one-on-one.
There are leaders who ask some people for specific, time-limited support. Like they’ll ask three marketers to meet with them three times, and then that’s the end of it. And meanwhile they have someone who gives them support over a period of years.
What about someone you pay to talk to? Like a coach or a therapist. Can they be part of a PLN? Yes. A PLN does not have to be all volunteer. But I just want to add this caveat. It matters that this is a person who genuinely cares about you and gets you.
Again, you get to set up your mentoring and support any way you want it. And when you need it to change, you change it.
Now back to the ask, which is, at last for most of us, the hard part. What makes it doable? The advocacy approachSo
Using the Advocacy Ask to set up your PLN
Let’s go through the three main parts of the Advocacy Ask as applied now to a personal ask.
1. Upfront contract
You start with the upfront contract which means you make a deal with your askee about how you are going to talk together and what the nature of this conversation is.
You explain that you are going to ask for support for yourself personally, but then you make it very clear that the askee gets to say no. It won’t hurt your feelings. You don’t care about getting a yes, the only thing you care about is that the askee makes a real decision, the one that’s really right for her.
So far this is like the Advocacy Ask for fundraising.
But because this personal ask is harder you might decide to double down on the upfront contract and give it more time. You might push a little harder on your askee to make sure she really understands that she can say no to you, and that it won’t hurt your relationship with her, because you care about her telling you the truth.
And if you’re not asking for specific, time-limited support, if you’re asking for open-ended support then I like to include what I call the Exit Option which sounds like this…
You know how people’s lives go through changes? Maybe they get a new job or have a new baby or have a child who’s in trouble or they start a new hobby that keeps them busy.
I give everyone on my personal team an Exit Option which they can use at anytime. If you agree to be on my personal support team, but later change your mind, just call me up and say, “I’m invoking my Exit Option.”
If you want to give me an explanation, I’d be glad to hear it. But you don’t have to. Especially if the change you’re going through in your life is deeply personal and makes you feel vulnerable. You get to keep that to yourself. I totally support you in doing that.
2. The advocacy conversation
Once you feel sure you askee can easily tell you no if she wants to, then you talk with her in depth about what you need and how what she likes to give might be a match for that. Or not.
At the beginning of the conversation, you might be quite clear about what you want to ask for. But in the course of talking it through, you and your askee might come up with something more creative and better for both of you. So please stay open to surprises and possibilities.
3. A real decision
When you’ve talked through the support you’re asking for, and it’s time for your askee to make a decision whether to commit to supporting you, you can again go through some of what you said in the upfront contract part of the conversation. You can refresh it. “Re-contract” if you will.
You can say again that you’re just looking for a real decision.
If she says no, then thank her, and spend some time with her. Don’t just show her out the door. You want her to feel that saying no is not hurting her relationship with you. People get scared about that. But if you’ve done your own work on receiving noes, then there shouldn’t be any problem on that score.
If she says yes, then thank her, and set up a time for your first call or your first meeting.
And if you want to, you get to test her decision, to make sure it really is real. Some people are so clearly happy to jump into supporting you, that you don’t need to do this.
But if you have even a hint of doubt about the decision, here’s a professional negotiation strategy that Jim Camp recommends…
You know what buyer’s remorse is? You wake up the next morning and think about a purchase you made and you regret it. You wish you hadn’t done it.
If you were to wake up tomorrow morning and regret saying yes to me, what would that be about?
If the person expresses a possible regret, that means you revisit her decision and either find a way to make it work without regrets or rescind it.
If you put these safeguards in place—doing an upfront contract about the conversation, asking into the person’s need to contribute, and then testing her decision—that will make asking, not easy necessarily, but easier.
Dialogues
Now let’s get to the dialogues. These are ones I’ve written out to play my way into a personal ask. Please let these provoke your own thinking about what would work best for you in an ask and to help get you started writing out your own dialogues.
And please remember that you can play out dialogues with friends or colleagues if you find that helpful. Personally I find that to be both more challenging, so I learn more, but also more fun.
Alan
I’ve imagined Alan as a friend of a friend who I’ve met several times before.
Rich: Hi, Alan!
Alan: Hey, how’s it going? What’s up?
Rich: I’m calling because I wanted to ask you for something special.
Alan: Something special?
Rich: Yes, but before we get to that, there’s something else I want to say first. I don’t like it when someone pressures me with an ask, and I don’t like pressuring people when I ask. So could we make a deal that if what I’m asking doesn’t work for you, you’ll just tell me no? How would that be for you?
Alan: Wow, sounds mysterious.
Rich: Yeh, but let’s take the mystery out of it. Do you know what I mean about pressure?
Alan: Oh, yes, I do. I feel pressure every time my cousin hits me up for the ballet. I have no interest in the ballet. None. But that doesn’t stop her. It seems like every two months she’s twisting my arm.
Rich: That’s what I mean. I don’t want to do that. I won’t do that.
Alan: Cool. Okay. That feels good. Hit me with your ask.
Rich: I’ve seen your work. In fact, I’ve studied it. I find it inspiring that someone who is a professional marketer can be so very authentic in the ads he creates. What I see again and again, is that you have a knack for making a genuine connection with people in your ads and your PR work.
I want to learn how to do that so I can do it for my organization. I know you could make a very big difference for me if you would teach me even a little bit of what you know.
Alan: Thanks. You know, I don’t get compliments from my colleagues. They think I’m weird.
Rich: Well, I like your kind of weird. It’s exactly what I want to learn.
Alan: That feels really good to hear, and I’d really love to do this. This kind of thing is right up my alley. But you know what? I just got the biggest contract of my career and I’m so jammed that I’m cutting things out of my life not adding them in. There’s no way I could do something like this for the next six months.
And it’s a shame. George has told me what you guys are doing with CAP and I’m impressed. I like your spirit. I’ll certainly be sending you good wishes. But I’ve got to tell you no on the mentoring thing. Now are you sorry you gave me permission to do that?
Rich: Not at all. Because what I want is a real decision, and that’s what you’ve given me. I came to you to talk about authentic marketing, so I wanted us to have an authentic conversation.
Alan: Oh. Okay. Now I guess I really get it.
Rich: Here’s the deal. It matters to me that you’re rooting for us. It really does. I consider that a gift. And knowing what I know now, I don’t want you to say yes. And I’ll keep studying your work and keep learning that way. You can count on that….
Beth
Now let’s see what it’s like to get a conscious, genuine, sweet yes.
Beth, as I’ve imagined her, comes from money and sometimes travels in social circles where people have serious wealth and lots of VIP connections.
Rich: Hi, Beth.
Beth: Hi, Rich.
Rich: Thanks for getting together this morning. I really appreciate it.
Beth: No problem.
Rich: What I want to talk with you about is supporting me in the leadership work I do. But before we get to that, there’s something else I really need to say first. You know how in fundraising, people often put pressure on you when they ask for a donation?
Beth: Oh, God, yes. I’ve done that myself. It always makes me feel so uncomfortable.
Rich: Same here. And this morning I really don’t want to do that with you. I’d like to tell you what I’m asking for, and when we’ve talked it through, would you take a minute and really think if this is a match for you or not?
And then would you simply tell me what’s true for you? Because our friendship matters to me way more than what I’m going to ask you for.
Beth: You know what? This feels really good. No one has ever said anything like this to me before. I’m ready. So go ahead and tell me what this is about. Suddenly I’m very curious.
Rich: Well, you know how much I love CAP, but I feel like I’m failing at doing major donor fundraising. There’s something I don’t get about asking VIPs for money. I have nice conversations with them, but I never get the check.
I know you’re familiar with VIPs and their world, and I was wondering if you’d be willing to teach me how to talk with them. Teach me the language, the expectations, how things are done. And then maybe coach me whenever I run into situations I can’t figure out.
I’d like to propose three one-hour meetings to begin with, and then perhaps I could give you a call when I’ve got specific questions. We could set a time limit on each call at a maximum of 15 minutes, and of course we’d schedule them at your convenience.
Why I’m asking you is because you’re always genuine with people. You always speak to people with such presence and warmth, and I’d like to learn from you how to be that way with people I find intimidating.
Now please take a moment and think about if this works for you or not.
Beth: No way! I don’t have to think about it at all. My answer is yes! I feel so honored for you to ask. I admire what you do. I really want you to succeed. And it would feel great to give you something that I can easily give and would have fun giving. I have such mixed feelings about the moneyed world I come from, but I do know it inside and out.
And in fact, if you want this, I’d be glad to introduce you to some people I know and go with you on some asks. Then we could debrief after. That might be lots better than a more theoretical conversation.
Rich: That would be great! That would just be the best. Thank you!
Beth: Okay, now I’m happy. I’m tired of writing checks and feeling anonymous. This will be much more fun for me…
Curt
I imagined Curt as a very successful entrepreneur who I’ve never met before.
Rich: I really appreciate you taking my call and making the time for this meeting. It means a lot to me to have this chance to talk with you.
Curt: Okay. Remind me what this is about.
Rich: I’m one of the founders of Child Assault Prevention. We go into the schools classroom by classroom and teach kids how to get away from kidnappers and molesters, and what to do if they’re being abused at home. Our programs have been very successful. But we have much bigger ambitions.
We want to reach every child in California from preschool through 12th grade, and we want to reach them five times in their school career.
Curt: Okay. And yes, that does sound ambitious.
Rich: I’m here today to ask you for a special kind of help. But before I do, there’s something I need to know. This is a significant ask that I’m going to make, and it matters to me that if for any reason it’s not a match for you, you’ll tell me no. I really don’t like pressure asks, because…
Curt: You can stop right there. I have never in my life had a problem with saying no. I often take my time to study a situation, but when I decide, I decide, and I’m not apologetic about it. So not to worry, I can tell you no, and I probably will. But thanks for checking that out.
Rich: So here’s the deal. I’ve read everything about you that I can get my hands on. I’ve gone to the library and read articles about you from the very beginning of your career onward.
Curt: Okay.
Rich: I’m coming to you because I admire your strategic thinking. What I’ve seen in every business that you’ve built is that you have a very creative sense of vision. I might even call it playful. You seem to take delight in doing the impossible. You do breakthrough thinking. And then the company you build rockets to profitability.
We think we’re only going to have one chance for our California Campaign to work. We’ve got to get it right the first time. We’ve had really good results so far using our own intuition and smarts. Our progress has been solid. But this next step is something different.
We’re clearly out of our league. We want to ask you to do strategy workouts with us. We’re thinking we would have an initial series of five one-hour meetings and that you might have homework for us to do between sessions—information to gather, people to interview, ideas to test. And then once we launch our campaign, we’d like to be able to call you as needed for follow up advice about adjusting the plan as we go.
What do you think?
Curt: Well, I’ve done a lot of mentoring in my time. It’s something I really enjoy.
Rich: Yes, I read about that.
Curt: And I like your problem. It interests me. I like ambition. And I like how you’ve stated this deal you’re proposing. Now are you ready for the but?
Rich: Yes.
Curt: I’m a tough mentor. I don’t mess around. If I’m mentoring someone and they don’t follow through I fire them. I don’t have the time for excuses and goofing off. Does that worry you?
Rich: No, it doesn’t. I like that and here’s why. Kate and I love this work. We love this organization. And we are so serious about getting to all the kids in the state. So we’re not looking for wimpy mentoring. We need the real thing. The best. And that’s why I’m coming to you.
Curt: Okay, then here are some more things I require. When I’m in, I’m in all the way. Developing this campaign might take more than five hours. Can you handle more?
Rich: Easily. Kate and I are hard workers. We’re used to it. We thrive on it.
Curt: And I’m running a business here, so my mentoring hours may be evenings and weekends. How’s that?
Rich: That works for us.
Curt: And sometimes I may have to cancel at the last minute. Is that a problem?
Rich: Not at all. I get that.
Curt: And I’ll ask both of you to read three books. All the way through as soon as possible. They are written by the strategists who have shaped my thinking. If you know those books, I won’t have to waste my time giving you a lot of background before we get to work.
Rich: If you recommend them we want to read them. I’ll go buy a set for me and a set for Kate today.
Curt: And then I need straight talk from you. If you ever feel overwhelmed or you think what I’m teaching you sounds crazy, tell me. Tell me right there in the moment. I don’t like to be surprised later on. I don’t like wimpy. And to tell the truth I worry about you social service types on that score.
Rich: In my case, you’re right to worry. I do have a history of stepping around straight talk and being indirect. But I will make you a promise that I will tell the truth in the moment. And you can always count on Kate. She’s known for being direct.
Curt: Okay, I’m in, except there’s one more thing I need to do. My wife and I have a deal that we don’t take on anything new without consulting each other. That’s how we make sure we protect our time together. So I’ll talk with her tonight and let you know first thing in the morning. Make sure my secretary has your number and get the book list from her on your way out.
Rich: Thank you. I’ve already learned something important about negotiating just in how you’ve handled this conversation. When I get back to the office, I’m going to walk Kate through it line by line.
Curt: Okay. If we go ahead with this, be prepared in our first meeting to tell me what you learned. Now I’m on to my next meeting.
Rich: Thanks again, whatever your decision turns out to be.
In this example, I asked big. Five hours plus follow up is a lot for a super busy VIP. One thing I’ve learned over the years is that it can be a mistake to ask too small when someone is used to doing big things.
To ask Curt for three quick tips might have gotten a negative reaction. Curt might have felt that a quick pit-stop ask is not worth his time.
It’s always a judgment call, and it matters how the particular person sees himself, but consider that sometimes the bigger ask is what honors the person.
I’d definitely recommend making the ask specific and clear. I’ve had people ask me, “Could we hang out and talk and maybe kick some ideas around.” I don’t react well to that. When someone is asking me for mentoring what I want to know is…
What do you want and why me?
Auditioning
What if you don’t know the person very well and you think you might want them in your PLN, but you’re not sure? Then how do you approach them?
You can ask them for one thing one time so you can check them out.
For example, let’s say you know you could be ten times better as a public speaker with a little coaching. There’s a guy in town who’s the chapter president of the National Speakers Association and you’ve heard a couple people say he’s a powerhouse on stage. But you have no idea how it would be to work with him personally.
So over the phone you arrange for one meeting where he’ll give you some coaching, but you say nothing about your PLN or wanting him in it.
If it doesn’t go well, if all he talks about is gimmicks and manipulating the audience and he’s kind of a jerk, you’re done. You say thank you and goodbye and you’re out of there. Case closed.
If you love talking with him and he’s giving you great advice, then you could say,
“Thank you so much for this meeting. I’ve loved every minute of it. The advice you’re giving me is exactly what I need. I love your honest, authentic approach to speaking. It’s the perfect match for the spirit of my nonprofit.
“I want to ask you if you’d be willing to have three more meetings and after that take calls from me for quick questions. But before I ask, I want to be very, very clear that if you can’t do it, please tell me no. Only say yes if this is something you’d enjoy and it would be meaningful to you. And then I’d love for you to say yes.”
Ongoing mutual support
I know a group of six EDs who meet once a month for three hours and take turns presenting challenges. Then together they brainstorm solutions along with giving personal support. They love it.
I know of another group of three that meets by phone because they’re in different parts of the country. They are dedicated to each other.
I know of three leaders who do a four-day retreat every summer in the mountains. Each one plans their strategies for the coming year and they are thought partners for each other.
But here’s a quick caution. I also know of ED groups that quickly devolved into nothing more than gripe sessions, so they dragged everyone’s spirits lower, and before long people drifted away.
If you want to start a group, you might want to try an upfront contract something along these lines…
“Hi, Dolores. I’m starting up an ED support group, and I’d would love to have you be part of it. I like how you look at social change work, I like your spirit, and whenever I’ve asked you for advice you’ve given me the most imaginative takes on things, and it’s always been very helpful.
“Here’s what I want to propose. I want us to have a strengths-based group. I don’t want it to be the typical gripe session thing. We would start each meeting with a check in where each person celebrates a triumph no matter how small. Or talks about how they have seen their talents and strengths show up.
“Then we’d take turns talking about challenges, but again the idea will be to bottom line the problem so we can spend the majority of the time brainstorming solutions.
“I want us to make sure that our meetings don’t devolve into grumpy gripe sessions. I want us to make sure that every time we meet, we come out feeling stronger than when we came in.
“What do you think?”
Short-term group for a specific purpose
Say your nonprofit needs a much stronger media presence and you’re the one who’s going to have to take the lead on this. You have the years of experience with your issue as well as the personality to be the face of your organization in public.
Besides, you have a personal interest in developing your media skills not only for immediate purposes, but so you can be good with the media for the rest of your career.
So you decide to ask three people to give you media coaching. The first is a talk show host who’s a friend of a friend. The second is a retired person who used to coach actors on stage presence. The third is a development director at a non-competing nonprofit who is a genius at getting access to the media.
You ask them to meet with you three times: One to prepare you, another time after your first media appearance to give you feedback, and one final time after your second appearance. Then they’re done.
For very busy people a time-limit can be a blessing. If you ask a busy person to be on your advisory committee which meets once a month, they might say no just because they can’t afford the time. And advisory committees are a notorious waste of time.
Dana
This is an example of setting up a PLN of people with different talents who will focus on helping you in whatever way you’re working on.
I imagined Dana as an acquaintance. We know a lot of people in common.
Rich: Hi, Dana. Thanks for having lunch with me.
Dana: I’ve been looking forward to it all morning.
Rich: I wanted to meet with you because I want to ask you to support me in the work I’m doing at CAP, but the one thing that’s most important to me is that if what I ask for doesn’t work for you, you’ll tell me no. You don’t have to explain or give me any reasons. But will you just tell me what’s true for you?
Dana: Yes, I can make that deal. And it feels so good to be able to say that. Six years ago I couldn’t have promised you that, because I was such a rescuer. But since having my two boys, I’ve learned to set boundaries. Have I ever! And I’m surprised at how good I am at it.
Rich: I love hearing that.
Dana: So break the suspense. Tell me your request.
Rich: Okay. I took this workshop series last month called Thriving and as part of it we spent a day designing what’s called a Personal Leadership Network. It’s not an advisory board for the organization. It’s a team of people who support you in your leadership.
Dana: Sure, in my company we call that a Success Team. I get it. And you want one?
Rich: Yes, I do. It took me a while to decide, because it’s kind of a gutsy thing to ask for. But yes, I’m very sure I want one and I very much want you to be part of it. Both Mary and Melinda have told me that when it comes to group dynamics and interpersonal politics, you’re the master. Mary said it’s your “superpower.”
And every time I’ve seen you at an event, I get the sense that you’re taking in everything that’s going on. Mary said when you were in college together, you could walk into a room of 20-30 people and within half an hour you’d have a complete analysis of the interactions going on.
Dana: Oh, God, that’s true. I can’t help myself.
Rich: And Melinda says that’s the talent you use at work. They hired you to be a deal maker.
Dana: Yes.
Rich: I want to learn from you. I really want to learn how to size up group dynamics and what to do once I’ve sized them up. We’re building a statewide network of CAP projects and we need to do better working with so many people with such different personalities. We’re also working with the state legislature which is awash with interpersonal politics that sometimes mystify us. And we can’t afford to be mystified.
I want to invite you to be part of a group that will meet once a month for lunch for two hours. We’ll meet for six months.
Dana: What would we do?
Rich: First, we’ll all do a check in. Next I’ll tell you two or three of the most critical challenges we’re facing at CAP. Then everyone will jump in and brainstorm solutions together. Does this feel like an outrageous request?
Dana: Not at all. I’m feeling all thin and stretched at work. I love a lot of what I do, and I make very good money so I’m not going to quit because I’m a single mom. But I really miss my college days when I was an activist. I want to do something that makes a different kind of difference than business deals.
So what I need to hear next is who’s going to be in this group. I also have to admit I’ve gotten very tired of meetings lately.
Rich: Okay, well my plan for this is that when we get together, we rock and roll. Nothing like a typical meeting. If it’s not fun, let’s not do it.
Dana: Cool, so who will be there?
Rich: Three people have said yes: Irina, who’s a high-energy communications specialist. Devon, who used to be chief of staff for a county supervisor. And Gabriella who has years of experience developing programs.
Dana: Okay, I know Irina, and I’ve heard about Devon, so this is sounding very good.
Rich: Then there’s you. And I’m also inviting Katrina who’s an actress.
Dana: An actress?!
Rich: Yes, I love her energy and her warmth. She lights up any group she’s with.
Dana: You’ve got a deal. This sounds perfect. Just come to lunch and play?
Rich: That’s it exactly. Come be yourself. That’s what I want. Just that…
Alma
Five elders in Alma’s community invited her to start meeting with them on a regular basis. These were leaders she had always looked to for guidance. But now they were inviting her into their group.
As she told me about this her voice was soft and reverential. “They are passing on their wisdom. They are telling me things I’ve never heard them say before. But what matters to me even more is how much they believe in me and how much they care about me.”
Notice that Alma did not ask in a direct way to be included by her elders. But her respect for them and love for them, as well as the work she was doing in the community, showed them that she was the kind of person they would want to bring into their circle.
The power of your presence can speak volumes to others about who you are. And blessings can come from that alone.
Getting conscious about what you’ve already got
I want to add a word about gratitude. I’ve worked with leaders who, once they understand the PLN idea, tell me…
“I already have support from several people, but I haven’t really told them just how big a difference they make to me and my leadership. I’m going to call them up this afternoon and tell them I consider them part of my Success Team. And I’m going to make sure they know how much they matter to me.”
You can imagine how great it would feel to get such a call and how it might deepen your commitment to that leader.
What about a Presence Group?
Check it out.
I imagined Nick as someone I’d really like to know.
Nick: I need a tune up.
Rich: What’s happening?
Nick: Some of my feelings are misfiring.
Rich: What have you figured out so far?
Nick: That’s just it, I’m not figuring at all because I don’t want to deal with it. I’m worried the only thing I’ll figure out is that I’m an ingrate.
Rich: A strong word.
Nick: Yes, and I’m tired of fending it off, so I thought I’d call you and deal with it.
Rich: Okay, let’s go.
Nick: It’s been just about a year since I put together my success team, five mentors, and it’s been the best year of my working life. These are five very smart people, who have done a lot more in the world than I ever have, all with great reputations, giving me their time for free, changing my life, and…I really don’t want to say this, but I’m unhappy with them.
Rich: Okay, I can see how that would give you pause. What do you know about this unhappiness?
Nick: I keep looking the other way.
Rich: Okay, look long enough to tell me just one thing about it.
Nick: I see that I want more.
Rich: And…
Nick: I’m a pill. They’re already giving me everything I could want.
Rich: But the truth is…
Nick: I want more. That just seems wrong.
Rich: Tell me a best moment recently.
Nick: Oh, that’s easy. When I had lunch with Jaya last week. First time in a long time. I’m in such a different place than last time I saw her. You know, in my soaring place.
Rich: And the lunch was…
Nick: It was such a good time. I can’t find the words. We made a plan to get together again in two weeks. It was just great. I could keep saying that over and over.
Rich: So it gave you something you needed.
Nick: Yes. I see where you’re going. That lunch was perfect for me. But my mentors are perfect for me, too.
Rich: Imagine for a moment that the answer to this problem is simple. And that it will say good things about you instead of bad things.
Nick: I’d love that.
Rich: So what did that lunch give you?
Nick: Oh, I see. Now I’ve got the end of the thread. I can untangle this. Jaya is someone who’s soaring in her life. She’s not in nonprofits, but she’s an artist so she might as well be. And like me, she’s had a breakthrough. She’s doing new work. She feels like she’s finally come into her own after 20 years of doing her art. There were moments when we were talking that she was radiant.
Rich: Wow, radiant, not historically a Nick kind of word.
Nick: I know. I wouldn’t ever use it in public. But, hey, in a coaching session we’re supposed to be accurate, right?
Rich: Indeed.
Nick: Then that’s the word. And I want more of that.
Rich: When did you first get to feeling grumpy about your success team?
Nick: Oh. Okay, there it is. The evening of the day I had that lunch. That explains a lot. Is this all just because I’m collapsing things I should be keeping distinct?
Rich: What do you think?
Nick; I think so.
Rich: Here’s a key principle: Soaring doesn’t just settle needs, it opens new ones.
Nick: That makes sense—when I stop and think about it. I see I’ve been making assumptions. Not a good thing to do. I’ve been assuming that soaring means everything will be wrapped up with a bow.
Rich: If the world were your cafeteria and you could pick whatever you wanted, what would you ask for right now?
Nick: I want five Jayas. I want a soaring team as well as a success team. I want people who are soaring in their lives like I am in mine.
Rich: And what would you do together?
Nick: Nothing!
Rich: Nothing!?
Nick: That means we wouldn’t have an agenda. We’d get together and enjoy each other’s company. And whatever we ended up giving each other would be through presence, by direct transmission. Not by teaching or mentoring. And it would be mutual. Not just a group to support me. It would be for all of us.
Rich: So imagine you’ve got five Jayas meeting with you every two weeks…
Nick: Okay, I can see it, and I’m liking it, and it feels doable. I mean it’s going to take some looking and Jaya and I will have to screen people carefully, because we have to get just exactly the right people for this, but we can do that, especially if she’s joins me and we do this together.
Rich: Now tell me about your success team.
Nick: I’m okay with them again. I feel great about them. I still want them and need them. They still have much more to give me and I want all of it.
And I don’t have to ask them for something new that they can’t do. See, this is where I was getting all bunched up. It seemed so wrong to want more when they were giving me so much.
Rich: From what you can tell, how many of them are soaring in their lives the way Jaya is in hers?
Nick: I don’t see it. They’re experts in what they do, but I don’t see the same kind of joy in them that I do in here. Or in me.
Rich: So separating out the need for mentoring from the need for soaring buddies…
Nick: Then it’s all okay. I was just hanging out with the wrong kind of company—unexamined assumptions.
Rich: But not for long.
Nick: No, two grinchy days, then I called you and we got it settled.
Rich: One more question. When you and Jaya put your soaring team together, if she agrees to do that, what will that give your mentors?
Nick: It will mean that I’ll be doing better than ever and they love it when I make progress, because then they can ratchet up their mentoring. So they won’t lose anything if I start a new team. And that won’t mean that I’m in any way disloyal to them, or unappreciative. It’s win-win all around.
Rich: All set?
Nick: You bet.
