7.3 Doing an advocacy apology

We’re human, so we’re going to screw up. And then what do we do? Apologize of course to anyone we’ve disappointed or hurt or offended.

But there are apologies and apologies.

I find it upsetting when someone apologizes to me by….

Condemning herself.

Shredding herself.

Beating herself up and leaving me standing there looking at the bloody pulp of herself.

That’s not what I want. It’s really, really not what I want.

So…

What if we took the self-judgment out of our apologies and put self-advocacy in?

Here’s just one example of what that might look like…

Amy:  I screwed up so bad.

Rich:  What happened?

Amy:  Remember I talked to you about Andres, the guy who’s probably most famous in our field. He’s written the books, he does the keynotes, he’s on Democracy Now! all the time. Was on The Today Show a month ago. He’s an academic, but political and down to earth. I finally was able to arrange a call with him this morning.

Rich:  Wow!

Amy:  Not wow, because on the call I said three big stupid things. Really rookie moves. I can’t imagine what he thinks of me. The further the call went the more he seemed to fade away. I’m so embarrassed. But I just can’t let it go. He’s too important to me. I need to do something about this. Should I e-mail him and throw myself on his mercy?

Rich:  Is that the kind of relationship you want with him?

Amy:  No. I don’t want that with anyone. But I have to apologize.

Rich:  What kind of apology are you imagining right now?

Amy:  I put myself down and see if he picks me up.

Rich:  Want to try playing with a different kind of possibility?

Amy:  God, yes.

Rich:   Imagine I’m Andres and in this moment my heart is open, wide open. So just tell me the truth. About what happened and what you want.

Amy:  Okay, here goes. I’d send him this email…

Andres, I want to apologize to you for our call this morning and explain what went wrong. I was up half the night with my daughter who’s been sick with a cold. So I was not at my best, but that wasn’t it. I was intimidated by you. And of course, that’s not on you, that’s on me.

I was so off balance that I said three big dumb things about the politics of our field. I want you to know that I know better than that. And I’m sorry you had to listen to those inanities.

I want you to know this is not how I usually am. I’m known for being bright and quick and thoughtful. A good strategist. And totally with it.

I so wish I had been on my game and had talked with you like I talk with other VIPs.

What worries me most is that I think you would like our work. A lot. I’ve even been thinking you might want us to keep in touch, sending you data on our successes since this is your field of expertise. It seems right that you should know about our progress. Be one of the first people to hear about our results. You might even find research opportunities here.

I think it’s possible that we might have a good connection and I don’t want us to miss out on it just because I blew it this morning.

So I’d like to ask for another chance to talk with you. And I promise you I will make sure to be at the top of my game. Feel free to tell me no if that doesn’t work for you. But I wanted you to know that I would really like to try again.

And whatever your decision, please know that everyone here is a fan and we’re all wishing you the best.

Signed, Amy

Rich:  What do you notice about this apology?

Amy: It’s different than anything I’ve ever done.

Rich:  If you were an objective observer and you overheard this, what would you think about the apologizer?

Amy:  Good things. She’s no wimp. She’s taking a stand for herself right in the middle of the apology. How cool is that?

Rich:  What else is she taking a stand for?

Amy:  Oh, yes, the relationship. She’s being bigger than the snafu. She blew the conversation this morning, but this afternoon she’s suddenly leading the conversation. Instead of giving up on the relationship, she’s giving the relationship a chance. She’s being a real grown up.

Rich:  And?

Amy:  She’s cheeky, but I like it. She gave herself a rave review. She didn’t let her screw up take anything away from her.

Rich:  In fact, this apology gave her a chance to…

Amy:  Show herself off. Who she is. What she’s made of. Where most people wreck themselves with an apology, she’s demonstrating that being in a tough spot doesn’t matter, she’s showing that she’s a force to reckon with.

Rich:  And what do you think Andres will think about her as he reads this email?

Amy:  Unless he’s an idiot he’s got to be impressed and intrigued and thinking maybe he got off the phone too fast. And he’s not an idiot.

Rich:  So how much revising do you need to do before you send this?

Amy:   Hmmm, this gives me a shiver, but I want to send it just as is. Were you taking notes?

Rich:  Yes, indeed. Word for word.

Amy:  Thank you.

Rich:  One more question. What were the screw ups in the conversation trying to tell you?

Amy:  Oh, I don’t want to think about that. Except that’s such an interesting question. What if, hmmm, what if those screw ups were some kind of red flag? Like a warning trying to get my attention.

Rich:  If so, what was the warning saying?

Amy:  You’re off balance, sweetie, this is not you. I’m not going to let you slip through this whole conversation as if nothing’s wrong. I’d rather blow it up and make a mess and leave you embarrassed so you’ll wake up.

Rich:  Which means…

Amy:  There was a part of me trying to get me back on track. I see that I was starstruck by Andres and reverted back to my old habit of trying too hard, which always pushes people away. That warning part of me was desperate to get me to pay attention and play the kind of game I play when I’m at my best which nowadays is thankfully most of the time.

You know what? Even if Andres says no to another conversation for now, I’m starting my Andres Campaign. I’m going to win him over. And I know how to do a campaign. No way he’s going to escape.

Rich:  I believe you!